Commercial break for...INSTA-BLACK!

What most of you don't realize is that all the funding that is required to run my blog is paid by my sponsor, Blammo Industries. With that being said, it's time for a commercial break. If you want a serious blog, try coming back next time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Blammo Industries, the same company that brought you the world famous mind meld cap, the hat that you can give to complete strangers and make them think, talk, and act just like you, is back with a brand new invention that's sure to please....INSTA BLACK!

Black people, are you tired of being harassed by the black police because they tell you that you're just "not Black enough"? Are there white people at your job that are more "down" with the brothers than you are? Do you get teased because you take the time to properly enunciate your words correctly or because you know what enunciate means? Are you tired of not being able to know the proper context in which to use "youknowwhatimsayin'" and are you mad that you STILL don't know how to make it rain because you don't party like a rock star? Then it's time for INSTA BLACK! What is INSTA BLACK? INSTA BLACK is a pill that if taken 3 times a day , in just 72 hours we guarantee that you will not only look blacker, but feel AND act blacker too! Don't just take our word for it though....

Hello, my name is Pernell Washington, and I'm a lawyer in the beautiful city of Baltimore. I graduated with a master's from a historically black university, I cheerfully give to the United Negro College Fund, and I am an active member of my local NAACP, yet in spite of my attempts to better my community, the black police tagged me as being too "White". So I tried INSTA BLACK and in just 3 days, my whole life has changed. My suits used to come from designer malls, but now I buy all of my outfits from Bishop Magic Don Juan's boutique and now my name is Big Things. Because you know when Big Things is popping, little things are stopping. I have a gang of bitches I call the Rainbow Coalition because if you want Black, White, Chinese, short or tall, Big Things has them all! Thank you for pimpifying me INSTA BLACK! Chuch!

Hi, my name is Carol Sutherland and I am sick and tired! I have a wonderful job as an engineer in what is considered a "man's" field. I drive a 2009 BMW 745 and I live in a beautiful 3 bedroom house that I've already paid for. I'm sick and tired because the brothers in my city are scared as hell of a successful Black woman that makes more than them. I see a lot of their tired asses chasing after ghetto hood rats so I decided to try INSTA BLACK. Now the same niggas that used to run from me, can't get enough of me. Now, I've got Tyrell, Darnell, Tyrone, and Micheal all blowing up my phone and paying my bills and you know what they have...nothing but hope. What they want, they can't have, but I take all that they have. Thank you INSTA BLACK!

Greetings my fellow Americans. My name is Barack Obama and I am your President. I always thought that if I stuck to the issues that concern us as a nation and hold fast to the truth, that would be enough for this nation, but the polls and the black police have shown me that I'm just not black enough. So I tried new INSTA BLACK and I decided that my name was given to me out of hatred for the color of my skin by the White man. So I have changed my name to Barack X. Salam Aleikum my brothers and sisters and thank you INSTA BLACK!

When LOST invades your dreams

So, maybe I have been watching a little too much LOST. Maybe I shouldn't fall asleep while watching television. Maybe I have an overactive imagination...but I know I'm not the only one.

So I was sleeping...GOOD and I drifted off into dreamland. I dreamed I was on a plane(no, I don't know the name or flight #) and we were flying over the Sahara(I don't know why). I decided to get up and walk to the bathroom, but suddenly, I had a premonition(or maybe it was a flash) so I headed back to my seat. The next thing I know, the plane ripped in half right behind me(luckily I wasn't in the tail end). Well...I said, "Enough is enough", and I quickly got back in my chair and buckled my seat belt(without any problems from the pesky depressurization).

So the plane crash lands in the desert, and of course, there are several people moaning and crying, but I'm walking around assessing the damage and helping a few survivors pitch tents. Yes, after 5 minutes of crashing, people were already making shelters(it could happen). I thought about it for a minute and again I said, "Enough is enough", and I walked for about a half mile to a set of apartment buildings(because of course there are residents in the Sahara). I knocked on one door and a old Chinese lady answered the door. I said hello to her daughter and then I asked her if I could use her phone because I was just involved in a plane crash.

I really wish I could have finished this dream, but I woke up while I was making the call. All I know is that I couldn't have made this up if I wanted to.

DAMN you LOST! Stay out of my dreams!

An unpaid shout out to my PS3

To Sony, the makers of my PS3...WOW! You guys have outdone yourselves with this one. Even though I had to give up my favorite kidney and I had to pawn my pet dog, buying your system was well worth it. My family and I could have gotten an XBOX 360, but the 360 only had one controller, no wires, and no games, but the PS3 we got came with 2(yes, 2) controllers, all the wires, and Uncharted 2. I thought the funny white guy on your commercials was joking, but Uncharted 2 really does look like a movie! My son played it for about 8 hours and I just sat back with a bag of popcorn and watched him play and I didn't even feel the "I wanna play" twinge that any gamer normally feels.

The faces on Grand Theft Auto IV kinda suck, but I do like the control I have in the game though. And I know I'm a little behind on my Madden, but even the intro to Madden '08 will turn any mere mortal into a football fan and any football fan into a crazed Madden loving lunatic. I decided to go into franchise mode and even the fantasy draft gave me chills. One half of my brain is screaming, "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!", while the other half is working hard not to mess up my game by picking a bad draft pick(I know...it's just a game!). Even though my team is in Dallas, I decided to pick the lowly '08 Lions for my franchise. Don't sweat because I drafted players like Michael "Me hit you long time" Strahan, Darren "Mr. Interception" Sharper, Philip Rivers, Kurt "Six Million Dollar Man" Warner, Frank Gore, Maurice Jones-Drew, Brandon Jacobs, Vincent Jackson, and Jeff Saturday just to name a few. Oh yeah...this Lions team is winning the Super Bowl!

To put it quite simply...you must buy this PS3 and when you do, write Sony and tell them you bought it because of me so I can get my royalty. LMAO

Curse you IKEA! Why must I love you so?!

So it's a chilly Saturday afternoon and a beautiful woman named Anna and my kids want to get out of the house. No problem. Anna's destination of choice...a 2 hour drive to IKEA. If you've never heard of the place, maybe you live in one of the handful of states that doesn't have one of these behemoths inside its borders. That's o.k. since I can explain.

The first thing to know is that IKEA is not a store. Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target...these are stores, but IKEA in itself, is an event. People prepare to go to an IKEA much like celebrities prepare to go to an awards show or normal people prepare to do early Christmas shopping(yes, even the ones who consider Dec. 24th to be early). If you don't mentally and physically prepare yourself, then you will end up a broken person aimlessly walking around looking for the exit.

The next question is not to ask, "What does IKEA sell?", but ask, "What doesn't IKEA sell?". This "store" is a 2 story marketplace full of some items that every home needs and a huge amount of crap that no one needs, but looks so great in the store that you really want to buy it(only to question yourself in shame weeks later). Beds, plants, tables, desks, art work, shelves, pillows, towels, finger puppets(yes, finger puppets), and so much more. IKEA is set up in such an intricate maze that the good management is even nice enough to employ guides, trackers, and people to supply you with water as you make your trek through the store.

For anyone who has ever frequented a superstore so many times that the workers know you by name, or anyone who spends hours in an electronics store and buys nothing, then you have to visit IKEA. I like the store so much that I googled it, but I was startled by my findings. It turns out that IKEA was started in Sweden in 1943 by a man named Hans Ikea. Mr. Ikea had the notion that everyone outside of Sweden lacked taste and style, so he created a store for everyone to buy crap that would make their homes look Swedish. He also invented a dangerously sweet elixir known as "lignon berry punch" which is actually a psychotropic beverage intended to make the drinker more Swedish, but it tastes like expensive kool-aid(OH YEAH!).

So in closing, Mr. Ikea may have plans of making the entire world Swedish, but I can't wait to go to IKEA again!